Parashat Devarim | Deuteronomy 1:1–3:22
This Shabbat, the fourth of Av, marks my beloved husband Andy Trattner’s fifteenth yahrzeit.
It is hard to comprehend that fifteen years have passed since he died. In some ways, the life we shared feels very far away. In other ways, Andy’s presence remains woven into the fabric of my life—in the memories I treasure, the lessons I carry, the people we loved, and the choices I continue to make.
As Andy’s yahrzeit approaches, I find myself looking back at the road I have traveled since his death. I remember the early days when grief filled nearly every corner of my life and when navigating life as a single parent felt overwhelming. I remember learning, slowly and imperfectly, how to live in a world that no longer included the person with whom I had expected to grow old.
I also recognize how much of the life I now lead has been shaped by that loss—and by my decision to honor Andy’s memory by continuing to live, love, create, connect, and bring as much light as I can into the world.
Long ago, I came to the conclusion that it is up to those of us who have experienced loss to keep our loved ones’ memories alive: to say their names and share their stories. One of the ways I do this is by making a new commemoration for Andy each year. This year I used MyZenScribe.com— a resource for the Jewish community that enables you to create personalized graphics for certificates, commemorations, prayers, and so much more.
Remembering Andy
Source of Remembrance,
As we light the yartzeit candle
on the fourth of Av,
the 15th anniversary of the passing
of our beloved Andy Trattner,
Let us take time to remember
the examples he set,
the courage he showed,
the wisdom he shared.
Let us take time to remember
the lives he touched
the lessons he taught
the love he gave.
Let us take time to remember
his resonant voice, his terrible puns,
his devotion to family, community, and Israel,
and what we each most loved about him.
We are his living legacy;
we can honor him most fully
by trying to embody his best qualities
and allowing the light of his soul
to shine through everything we say and do.
Zichrono l’vracha —
May Andy’s memory
continue to be an enduring source of
blessing, inspiration and connection,
and may we always be grateful
for the difference he made
in the world and in our lives.
Remembering the Journey
Perhaps it is not a coincidence that Andy’s yahrzeit falls this year on Shabbat Devarim, when we begin reading the final book of the Torah. The Book of Deuteronomy begins as the Israelites stand at the edge of the Promised Land. Their long wilderness journey is nearing its end, and Moses knows that he will not enter the land with them.
Before the people move forward, Moses asks them to look back.
He retells their story, recounting where they have been, what they have experienced, the mistakes they have made, and the ways God has accompanied them. He reminds them of the choices that have shaped their journey and the responsibilities they will carry into the future.
Moses does not revisit the past because he wants the Israelites to remain there. He remembers so that they can learn, renew their commitments, and prepare for what comes next.
This is one of the sacred purposes of memory.
Remembering gives us an opportunity to recognize the path we have traveled. It allows us to honor the people and experiences that have shaped us. It can help us reclaim forgotten strength, draw wisdom from difficult chapters, and choose more intentionally how we want to live.
The Hebrew name of this book, Devarim, means “words.” Moses understands that words have the power to shape the way a story is carried forward. The words we choose matter—especially the words we use to tell the stories of our lives and the stories of those we love. My illustration for this parasha includes words that I find uplifting and inspiring: Be, Believe, Breathe, Celebrate, Connect, Create, Discover, Elevate, Give, Grow, Heal, Hope, Inspire, Light, Listen, Love, Pray, Reflect, Renew, Rest, Sanctify, Savor, Seek, Share, Shine, Sing, Soar, Transform, and Trust.
These words help me celebrate the life Andy and I shared, and help me set intentions to show up as my best self as I continue my life without him.
The Grief Journey
When Andy first died, I could not imagine what my life would look like without him. I could not see beyond the enormity of the loss or understand how I would find my footing in a world that had changed so completely. A few years after Andy died, I became a grief educator and widow mentor. I wrote this to share with the newly bereaved:
Grief is not a straight path, and it does not follow a predictable timetable. There is no point at which we graduate from grief or finish missing someone we love.
Instead, we gradually learn how to carry the loss. Love lives on.
When Grief Changes Everything
When someone we love dies, it can feel as though a bomb has exploded inside us. The impact reaches every part of our being—physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and social.
The force of the loss changes the landscape of our lives. When newly bereaved grief impacts every aspect of life.
Our bodies may ache or feel depleted. Our minds may struggle to focus. Our emotions can shift without warning. Our beliefs may be shaken. Relationships and roles change, and the world we once understood no longer feels familiar.
I think of life after loss as being like the rings of a tree. Our grief remains in our hearts; we do not outgrow it or leave it behind. But with each year of lived experience after the loss, our lives expand around it, making the grief easier to carry.
The grief may still hurt deeply, especially on anniversaries and significant days. But over time, there is more life surrounding the pain—more experience helping us hold it, and more inner strength helping us bear what once felt unbearable.
We are forever changed by loss. We are also capable of continuing to grow.
The weight shifts. The landscape changes. Life begins to expand around the grief, creating space for new relationships, experiences, responsibilities, joys, and challenges.
Moving forward does not mean leaving our loved ones behind.
Andy continues to be part of my story. Remembering him connects me to the life we shared and to the person I was when we were together. It also helps me recognize the person I am today.
I have learned that grief and gratitude can coexist. I can be profoundly grateful for the years Andy and I shared while still wishing we had been given more time. I can cherish the life I have built while grieving the life we did not get to live together. I can experience happiness without betraying my sorrow, and sorrow without diminishing my gratitude.
The goal is not to choose between remembering the past and embracing the present.
The invitation is to hold both.
This is my prayer for Parashat Devarim:
Alignment
May I greet each day with a song of gratitude
and strive for connection rather than perfection.
May I practice positivity and allow my soul
to remain open to possibility.
May I find a quiet moment each day
to pause, breathe, receive,
and to celebrate the wonder of being alive.
May I listen without judging
and give without expecting.
May I embrace the opportunity
to climb another rung on my life’s ladder
without worrying that I might fall.
May I be present to the love and the pain,
the hope and the joy, that are part of my journey.
May I remember to choose my words with care
and may they be a source
of strength, comfort, and inspiration.
May my thoughts and actions
be a reflection of my best self,
and may all I say, and all I do,
always come from a place of deep love.
Remember and Renew
The opening to the Book of Deuteronomy in my new book, Illuminated Journey, carries the theme Remember and Renew.
“In the Book of Deuteronomy, Moses’ final words to the Israelites call us to choose blessing, to choose life, and to love with all our hearts. Each time I return to these closing parashiyot, I feel blessed to recognize that I, too, am part of this eternal story.”
The words feel especially meaningful to me this week.
Remembering is not only an act of looking backward. At its best, remembering awakens something within us. It reminds us who we are, what we value, and how we want to live.
We honor those who have died not only by speaking their names, lighting candles, and telling their stories, but also by allowing the love we shared to influence the choices we make.
We remember, and then we renew our commitment to life.
We remember, and choose connection.
We remember, and offer comfort to someone else who is grieving.
We remember, and try to become a source of blessing.
Shabbat Chazon
This Shabbat is also Shabbat Chazon, the Shabbat of Vision, which always precedes Tisha B’Av. This year, it falls on July 18, the fourth of Av—Andy’s yahrzeit.
During these days of communal mourning, we remember the destruction of the Temples in Jerusalem and other tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people. We allow ourselves to acknowledge what has been lost and to recognize the brokenness that remains within our world.
Judaism does not ask us to ignore grief or rush through it. Our tradition creates sacred containers for mourning. It gives us rituals through which we can remember, lament, seek comfort, and remain connected to one another.
But Jewish memory is not passive.
We remember destruction so that we can help build.
We remember hatred so that we can choose love.
We remember division so that we can strengthen connection.
We remember what has been lost so that we can recommit ourselves to protecting what is sacred.
Personal grief and communal grief are not the same, but both can deepen our compassion. When we know what it is to live with a broken heart, we may become more able to recognize the pain others carry—and more determined to bring comfort, kindness, and healing into the world.
Guided Journaling Questions
- Who has had a lasting influence on the person you are today?
- How has your understanding of a significant loss changed over time?
- What helps you feel connected to someone you love who is no longer physically present?
- What wisdom have you gained from a difficult chapter of your journey?
- Is there a story about someone you love that you want to preserve or share?
- What is one meaningful way you can help keep someone’s memory alive?
A Blessing for the Journey
May we honor the lives and loves
that have shaped our journeys.
May our memories bring comfort,
wisdom, gratitude, and connection.
May we give ourselves permission
to grieve what has been lost
and to cherish what remains.
May the words we speak
help preserve the stories that matter.
May remembrance strengthen our commitment
to live with compassion and purpose.
And may the love we carry
continue to illuminate our path
and inspire us to bring blessing, healing,
and hope into the world.
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